Saturday, September 17, 2016

Minecraft Puppet Steve Part 3: A Tiny Glimmer in the 20 Foot Dumpster

In the last few days, Chris has uploaded a couple tech “reviews”. Again, more paid promotional crap. However, both videos started out with comments already disabled. Well, back to hold habits are we Chris? We are approaching your 10 year anniversary, might as well revisit the “glory days”, and that includes all blocking of criticism. The first video (about a fitness watch, like a cheap Fitbit) also had ratings disabled. The second video (which has a bunch of different items) has them enabled, and the fans don’t like it.
Also, one of the items is a Deus Ex art book. I didn’t know art books constituted as “tech”. Maybe it’s augmented? I doubt that’s the reason Chris included it, as that would mean knowing about that franchise, and the fact he mispronounces it as DOSE Ex instead of Deus Ex shows he knows nothing. Seriously Chris? Do you not know the term Deus Ex Machina? He really is hopeless.

Since that was a lot of nothing, here’s some more Minecraft Puppet Steve. Hoo boy…

Video #16: Pokemon Go Gameplay - Puppet Steve Plays (Training and Pokeball Capture) Pt. 1

You read that right, Chris Bores is going to talk about Pokemon. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Video opens and Zombie Steve is distracted by… I know it’s intended to be a phone but that doesn’t look like any phone case I know of.
Steve notices he’s playing Pokemon Go, he wants to play, ZS says no, Steve beats him up and apparently bleeds Styrofoam, or is that meant to be dust like in a cartoon fight (as seen here). This bit makes no sense. Does Steve not have his own phone? He does realize the game is free right? There’s no reason to beat up ZS for it outside of “I have no joke, the punch line is violence”.

Steve gets up and now he’s wearing an Ash Ketchum hat. I think that’s the same one from one of those Box Wars videos. Also, Chris pronounces Pokemon like Weird Al does in the song he made for the second movie.
“So Pokemon is the new app” You mean Pokemon Go is the new app. Come on Chris don’t be lazy.
Mentions how you can pick between boy or girl. Just like the games. I’d say I’m surprised there’s no “confused Professor Oak” joke, but that would require him to actually know anything.
Mentions customization. “How cool” You’re way too easily impressed. Also, this was early on when customization was really limited so it’s barely cool.
“LET’S PLAY SOME POK-A-MON” Holy fuck you are annoying.
So he doesn’t use the green circles, but he does use the green arrows to point out obvious shit. In this case, the three Kanto starters.
He goes with Charmander, struggles to catch him. More like he’s not even trying.
It breaks free… so bored…
“Now stay in your booger!” … What?
“Now he wants to know my name? Heh, what a dork” … How is he a dork for wanting to know your name? Are you retarded Chris?
Anyway, he types in puppetsteve, all lower case. Just do Steve you hack.
He’s out on the map, brings up the Pokemon around him. He lists them as Caterpie, Weedle and… Donald Trump. Uggggggggggggggggggggggggh.
“I didn’t know he was a Pokemon” Burn the fucking puppet. For the record, that’s meant to be Shellder.

He tries to find Pokemon by barely moving across the table. Obviously they don’t show up. Then he realizes you have to go outside. Oh no, now people will see the asshole that sticks his hand in my asshole.
He sees a nearby gym, but of course he’s not allowed as he’s only Level 1 not 5. Then it ends.

But wait, there’s more.

Video #17: Pokemon Go Gameplay - Driving Hack Gameplay (Training Battle Pokeball Capture) Pt. 2

Not liking that title…
This is also the longest video on his channel. 4 minutes.

We open on something completely different. Steve and ZS in a car. Which has a green screen road.
They’re driving around to play Pokemon Go. *sighs*
“Why waste your time walking around where you can smack into trees when we can just drive around” Where do I start? Driving while playing this game is frowned upon, it’s not against the rules, but it misses the point. You’re supposed to walk or bike like a trainer in the original games. That’s the whole idea. Evidence that Chris has no idea what Pokemon is like. Plus, walking provides exercise.
There’s a bit where he slams into a tree, forgetting that every time you open the game, it warns you to keep aware of your surroundings. I know there are some real morons that ignore it, but it’s there for a reason.

Apparently Zombie Steve is a terrible driver, but he doesn’t care because he needs to find his POLKEYMOOON. Can you say it normally? Just once? So annoying.
“Kepture” Yep, it’s Chris.
Then we get stock footage of a real collision to show ZS is a bad driver. Really charming Chris, doing that for a “joke” is so classy.
He runs across a Rattata, which he pronounces as “Ratta-Tatta”. I think I need a drink.
He catches it, and they move on. They find another Pokemon, and some more real life crash footage. This is in really bad taste. Like holy shit. At least use movies if you want to make this joke.
He comes across a Weedle. “What a tough Pokemon” … You are being sarcastic right? “Level 10!” Those are Combat Points (CP) not levels.
“This is my favorite Pokemon ever!” … Really?
Oh it’s a joke because he finds a CP14 Weedle. Yawn…
He mentions how driving is so useful. You’re not supposed do it while driving that misses the point.
He complains that he isn’t encountering anything, nothing for 10 minutes, runs into another Weedle, then runs into an Eevee. “Nothing is cooler than that” … Really?
Oh it’s another joke because he runs into a stronger Eevee. “Power level 25” It says ???, where did you get 25 from?
“A power 25 Eevee! The other one’s stupid now! Ack ack ack!” God you’re annoying…

He brings up Pokestops, showing the TMCC Community Center. Looking that up, that is the Toledo Muslim Community Center. Nice job giving away your location “Steve”. You’re totally not the Irate Gamer who also happens to live in Toledo.
He gets an egg from the stop. “I’m going to make me an omelette” Get the fuck out! No! Don’t cook the Pokemon!
He finds another Weedle, this one is stronger, I don’t care…
He gets to Level 4, and thinks he’s ready for the gym. Uhhh Level 5. Did you not pay attention?
He tells ZS to go to the gym, and we get one last bit of real car accident footage. You’re an asshole Chris.

These videos told us nothing about Pokemon Go. Just shows what a lazy twat Chris is, preferring to drive instead of properly playing the game walking. I mean come on!

Video #18: Pokemon Go SONG - LEVEL UP Puppet Steve! Gameplay and Fun

This is something completely different. It’s a music video with a song made by Minecraft Jams, another channel that’s part of the same network as Puppet Steve (and apparently Irate Gamer is part of that network now, that’s not suspect at all). There’s not much to say, half of it is footage from the last two videos, and half of it is clearly not Chris’ footage. It’s too good or has Pokemon too powerful. Chris is the king of half-assing things so I doubt he went this far.
Actually I think he did do a gym, as there’s footage of him challenging a gym at the Toledo library.
The song itself is okay, it’s certainly leagues ahead of “I PLAY POKEMON GO EVERYDAY! I PLAY POKEMON GO!”

Video #19: Teen Titans GO! Deluxe Six Pack Action Figures Set Unboxing Review - Puppet Steve

Oh fuck this show. I’ll admit I wasn’t the biggest fan of the original Teen Titans cartoon. Granted I haven’t seen it in years so it’s probably better than I remember it being. I just recall not being a fan of the faux-anime aesthetic. This show though, good lord. The characters are annoying, not funny, and the fact the writing staff is incapable of taking criticism that they’ve had to make multiple episodes calling out critics with the tired “It’s for kids” excuse, tells me this crap is not worth it. Why even have Weird Al play Darkseid? That’s not even funny.

Anyway, let’s see how Chris handles this.
“Teen Titans Go? Where are they going, to the bathroom? Ack ack ack! Ack ack ack!” Where’s my drink…
At least Zombie Steve doesn’t approve, delivering a stern “No!” Respect slightly gained.
“Let’s just open this and… Go! Ha!” Don’t laugh at your own jokes Chris.
He shows Robin, says he likes him because he’s the leader and he’s “cool”. Not in this show. Then some more egotism as Steve claims nobody is cooler than him while he wears sunglasses. Nope, can’t deal with it…
He shows Beast Boy, mentions how he’s the funny one, wants him to do something funny. IT’S A TOY! It then falls over and Steve wonders if that’s supposed to be funny. ZS is the voice of reason again and tells him “No”
Then Starfire, Steve calls her cute. She’s like half your age dude.
Oh wait he backspaces on that and says she has cooties. OH MY GOD! Are cooties really still a thing? Chris is showing his age. I guess this is the second clue that Steve is supposed to be a kid? The first was when he said his mom won’t take him to Sausage Party, but honestly I can’t tell. Is Zombie Steve older since he can drive? I’m so confused, your show makes no sense Chris. Why are you so bad at writing?

Then he shows Cyborg, and wonders what he can do. He uses special effects to make him fly. Something he can’t do in the show or the comics or anywhere else. Cyborg doesn’t fly! Some comic book fan you are.
Onto Raven. Or “Waven” as he says it. Are you doing that crap on purpose Chris?
Then a stupid bit where she teleports all over the place. What’s the joke?
Ending on Silkie. A character from the previous series that was given a bigger role here apparently.
Steve calls him little, Silkie acts offended, and then he gets crushed by a bigger Silkie. Enough with the fucking things falling on you! It’s not funny! It’s never funny! It never will be funny!

Then a really fucking stupid bit where Steve tries to ask Starfire on a date. Not enough tables to flip…

Video #20: Teen Titans Go! T-Tower Playset Action Figures Unboxing Review - Puppet Steve

Greaaat, more TTG.

He’s going to look at Titans Tower playset. Steve wants his own Puppet Steve Tower. Even Zombie Steve thinks that’s stupid. More egotism from Steve as he declares himself the coolest. Why the egotism? Just why?
He takes it out, wonders if there’s more, finds pieces, complains about it putting it together. Oh grow up.
He finds the instructions, looks at them upside-down. God damn it, are we doing this joke again? I guess Steve is just retarded as Marty. He also says they’re in “Chinese or something”, and after saying that a gong plays. Top notch stereotyping there Chris.
ZS yells at him that it’s upside-down. So wait, is ZS supposed to be the smart one or the stupid one? You need character consistency Chris! How are you so bad at this?

He puts pieces on the tower, including a rocket launcher. ZS presses it and it fires into Steve. Yarp…
He shows the Cyborg figure it comes with, he doesn’t like the face, and then he & ZS make the same face with “dun dun dun” music, and then he puts him in jail for making the face. Ugggggh this is stupid. What kids can enjoy this? *looks in comments* 11 year old kid that says he enjoys it even though he knows it’s for little kids. YOU ARE A LITTLE KID!
He goes over the parts that move, the trap door that makes sounds, this is the closest one of these videos has come to being a review. Holy shit
Then he brings up that getting the six-pack from the last video is almost a requirement because you only get Cyborg in this playset. Then a stupid bit where ZS somehow doesn’t remember reviewing that.
“We reviewed it yesterday!” Really? *this video posted August 1st* *last video posted July 27th* LIAR! Chris is bad with time again…
Then another cringy as fuck bit where Steve tries to ask Starfire on a date again, and Robin interrupts. Stop it Chris. Just stop it.
Then it ends with ZS somehow setting off the trap door alarm on it and it keeps going. Meh…

Video #21: Ghostbusters Metals Die Cast Action Figures Slimer Unboxing Review Movie

This was the most recent video at the time when I learned about the channel.
So yeah, Ghostbusters. This video was posted about a month after the new movie.

Steve does the “who are you gonna call” bit and Zombie Steve answers “Iron Man?” Back to being the stupid one…
Shows the figures. “They’re not in the new movie, but they’re in the old one” Weird phrasing, you could have just said “from the original”
First he shows Ray. Says he’s cool, and made of metal. ZS tries to eat him but hurts his mouth. Steve laughs at him. I roll my eyes.
Then he shows Egon. “Here’s another great looking figure that looks great all around” Dat redundancy.
He insults Egon, calling him a dork (and yet he’s the smartest member of the team), then calls the Creeper a dork. One’s going to come in and blow up you’re too fucking predictable. Oh what a shock that happened. If kids can see the jokes coming, you’re doing a bad job!

“Next we have Winston Zeddemore, oOoOoO” Why the “oOoOoO”?
Says it’s great… you’re really bad at this “review” thing.
ZS tries to eat one again. My head hurts.
Shows off Peter, which comes with Slimer. Music from the movie starts playing (I smell copyright flag).
He mentions how Peter has green on him because he’s been slimed.
“He’s been slimed by Slimer. I wonder if it’s bad as getting creeped by a Creeper?” Is that what getting blown up is called? Pretty sure that’s just called “getting blown up” Oh and surprise a Creeper blows him up even when he tries the “you wouldn’t hurt a guy with glasses” trick. Somehow Steve has magic powers because the glasses just appear on his face. EFFORT!

There’s also a Stay Puft figure he doesn’t have. So his slave Enderman gets it. I just realized he’s treating a black-colored creature as a slave. Smoooooooth.
“And boy is he one big heavy monstrous figure!” That’s nothing! Come back when you’ve got Fortress Maximus or Metroplex.
“He’s so big that his arms and his head moves around Exorcist style” Exorcist references, for kids! You’re a moron Chris.
“With all these ghosts around there’s only one person to call for help” One person? ZS guesses Batman, but Steve yells at him that it’s the Ghostbusters. The Ghostbusters aren’t one person. I know you want to be a one person Ghostbuster in real life, but you have to accept that ghosts aren’t real Chris. Your book is a sham. Your job at the art center is a sham. Everything about your ghost hunting career is a sham. That’s probably why you never bring it up these days.

The theme starts playing too. Less than 0% chance this can be on a DVD.
Steve brings up the new movie with “girl Ghostbusters”.
“But we don’t need action figures of them, we just need action figures of the guys because guys are cool” This is probably the closest we’ll get to his thoughts on the new movie. Some really weird sexism. I guess…
I think it was more to set up a new character. Puppet Alex. For those unaware, Alex is the other default skin in Minecraft, for female characters.
Something about Alex’s voice is oddly high-pitched… I’m sure it’s a glitch or something.
Steve yells at her that this is a “boy’s show”. Come the fuck on Chris! Don’t do this.
Apparently Zombie Steve let her in. Whatever…

Video #22: LEGO BATMAN, Puppet Steve / Zombie Staring Contest

Steve and ZS have a staring contest. … That’s it.
Then Lego Batman shows up to tell them they don’t have eyelids. You know, puppets are funnier when they’re treated as regular people, and not as puppets. Jokes about how puppets are different from humans aren’t as funny. Bringing up they don’t have eyelids isn’t really a joke.

This was pointless. Why give Lego Batman top billing? Oh right, terrible disgusting click bait. Gawker would love you if they weren’t deader than the WCW.

Video #23: Monster High Minis Series 1 3-Pack Figures Set Unboxing Review Mattel, Puppet Alex

Monster High? *looks it up* I see… It’s a line of girl’s toys from Mattel that feature the teenage daughters of famous movie monsters. Like Frankie Stein, the daughter of the Frankenstein Monster, Cleo de Nile, the daughter of the Mummy, and Draculaura, the daughter of Dracula. Does she have a brother named Alucard?
I got all this briefly looking at Wikipedia. Soooo what’s Chris going to do about this?

So Steve gets angry that he’s looking at Monster High and he can’t review girls toys. Why not?
Then Alex shows up. Her voice is still weirdly hig- … this is a little girl isn’t it? Likely one of Chris’ step-daughters. Oh god, child actors. As if this couldn’t get worse.
So is his step-daughter going to write the script or is Chris still in charge?

She lists some of the figures. Compares one to Elsa from Frozen. You know, I’d feel like a complete asshole if I mock her…
Oh wait, here comes Steve to interrupt. Now I can snark.
Oh, he just compares one of them to Coraline because she has button eyes. Meh…
Alex pulls out a checklist, notes that they also list the rarity. Blue skull = Common, yellow skull = Uncommon, but before she can say red skull = Rare, Steve interrupts to reference Captain America. Alex yells at him. Wow, she’s actually taking this seriously. More than Chris does at least.
She lists some more figures, but then a loud plastic sound overpowers her voice. Should have fixed that up Chris!
More figures. “I think the Ghostly Ghouls are ghosts” Yeah they are sweetie. It’s kind of in their name.
But then Steve interrupts again with Ghostbusters figures. “STEVE LEAVE ME ALONE” Wow, that actually sounded genuine.

Alex gives her final thoughts, her favorites, Steve annoyingly interrupts with the Duck Hunt Dog amiibo, and that’s about it.

… Wow, this is close to being the best video on the channel. We should have more Puppet Alex, Chris’ stepdaughter sounds way more into it than Chris ever does. I mean, she actually sounds like a Monster High fan, where Chris never sounds like a fan of the stuff he’s looked at before. Did she write half the script? At least the parts that weren’t stupid jokes. I imagine that by saying this, I am pissing off Chris to no end since his ego can’t stand being overshadowed. Like whenever I praised the Wise Sage. Admit it Chris, you’re not cut out for acting and writing, stay behind in editing.

Video #24: Ghostbusters Supply Tin (Walmart) Lunchbox/ Pencil Case Slimer Unboxing Back to School Movie

And we’re back to full Puppet Steve. It was fun while it lasted Alex.
More Ghostbusters.
A “back to school” item. Yeah I don’t think parents are watching since they’re the ones that buy “back to school” items. If they were, they would shut this off and tell their kids not to watch this crap.
It’s a tin case. It can either hold pencils or your lunch. Steve puts in a box of sliced ham, some cheese slices, a box of blue cheese, and a massive jar of pimento olives. “That’s a big lunch!” What’s the joke?
“I’ll pack me some marshmallows” As he puts a Stay Puft figure in. … You’re not funny!
ZS packed kidney beans, and Steve complains he’ll be farting. Yawn…

So the tin case comes with codes to get digital downloads of the original movie and the Real Ghostbusters cartoon. Steve tries to download it, but a fake error message appears saying it’s been used. Zombie Steve took the codes. Just use his laptop then. Aren’t you room mates or something? I don’t know…
You can store Ghostbusters figures too or something.
Then Slimer appears. Whatever it’s over.

Well, that’s quite a lot of videos. Looking ahead there’s more Skylanders, DuckTales, more FNAF, another Puppet Alex video (here’s hoping it keeps up), and something with Deathstroke that is just so… so… soooooooooooooo bad.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Apps & Boxes to Fund the Puppets

As Chris releases more "content" over on Puppet Steve, Irate Gamer is getting more and more neglect. Not today though, we saw two videos! And they're both obvious paid promotions.

First video is another app, and it's yet another "download shit to get rewards" app. I can't imagine Chris uses these after making the video, otherwise his phone would be a bugged up mess. He sounds so lifeless when talking about the app, like he's almost realized this is where his career has gone.

Fans HATED the video. A complete dislike majority, with only a tiny amount of likes. You know, I'm convinced. At this point, the Irate Gamer has become nothing more than a shell channel to funnel money into Puppet Steve. Until I hear about a real job that doesn't involve ghosts, I have to imagine that he's paying for all those toys by making all these promo videos. You're going to have address Puppet Steve at one point Chris. You're running out of fans. Then again, you likely don't care, you have new really dumb 7 year old fans that will watch any crap you put out.

EDIT: AHAHAHAHAHA! Looks like Chris couldn't take the heat and comments have been disabled. Going back to old habits now? Well, ratings are still up, and show the majority dislike it. But man, Chris really doesn't care anymore.

Oh and the second video is another Box Wars. Let's get into it. At least he put the timestamps in the description.

Starting with 1Up Box. The theme is speed.
- A shirt of of Pikachu dressed as the Flash, and he's being summoned by an Arcanine, and Pikachu is holding a phone because Pokemon Go. Stupid.
- A light blue Yoshi plushie. *thinks* Well I guess Galaxy 2 he can really fast.
- A Sonic the Hedgehog patch.
- A Flash mini-lanyard.
- And a necklace with the Golden Snitch from Harry Potter. Chris calls it the "Squidditch". Dumbass combined Quidditch with Snitch. Couldn't take five seconds to look that up could you?

Onto Brick Loot. Theme is traveling.
- A Lego Minifig of a Buckingham Palace guard. I'm surprised they got an official Lego product in there.
- A red phone box that doubles as a piggy bank. Lame, call me when it's blue.
- Snapos, don't care...
- A buildable Chicago Water Tower which is apparently exclusive to this.
- And a Mystery Defenders random box, yet he somehow knows he got Green Lantern as he once again claims to be a big fan of it. Why do I have trouble believing that? I know he talks about a lot, but he never sounds sincere.

Next is Loot Crate, which Chris has to remind us once again they're one of the more popular ones. We know! We're not stupid. Theme is anti-heroes.
- A Sterling Archer for President shirt. Is that an upcoming plot line? I kind of figured they would have to deal with Archer being dead and all.
- A Harley-Quinn figure. Quit trying to make her an anti-hero, it's not going to happen.
- Kill Bill socks. ... That is dumb.
- And a ceramic bank of Hellboy's fist. Why?

Doki Doki Box. Let's see how much anime stuff he messes up.
- A Homeroom Bear, which is a bear head that can hold change.
- A pencil pouch with a cat.
- Decorative tape. What is this?
- Stickers. No what is this?
- A notepad
- A pocky shaped pen. Chris calls it a "chocolate treat".
- A kitty keychain.
- And a t-shirt with bears on it.
- He also mentions how there's a booklet that tells you what everything is. Then why didn't you look at that before recording?
What kind of crappy box was this?

Pop in a Box, a service that specializes in Funko Pop fig- OH FUCK YOU! Get that shit out! No more Funko Pop! Burn it all! ... Sorry, if you've ever been to a comic book convention these days, it is wall-to-wall Funko Pop, it is obscene. You can't turn a corner without seeing a wall or a display, they were everywhere! How does Funko have so many licenses? Where are they getting the money?
- First is Blinky from Pac-Man. Why?
- Data from Star Trek: TNG
- Squiddly Diddly, an old ass Hanna Barbara cartoon. Okay now you're just showing off Funko, you have problems.

Geek Fuel is next.
- Some random Looney Tunes box, he got Daffy Duck dressed as the devil.
- A pouch for Pokemon Go players. There's cards for the three teams, but he calls them the gyms. Yeaaah I don't think Chris played Go after he made those initial videos on Puppet Steve. Why bother? No money in it.
- DungeonRift magnets.Who cares?
- A Suicide Squad comic.
- An Optimus Prime t-shirt.

My Geek Box, I'm surprised at how fast he's going through these.
- A Funko Pop figure of Black Widow as seen in Captain America: Civil War. BURN IT ALL!
- A Pokemon t-shirt showing pest control for Weedles.
- A Pikachu keychain.
- Captain America socks. What's with the socks? Who cares about socks? Just get white or black ones like normal people.
- A Mega Man print of Light & Roll looking over an unconscious Rock.

Something called EsianMall, I looked in the description for the spelling. It's mostly food, because of course...
- He lists a lot of the food and barely shows it. You know, Chris sounds really lifeless in this video too. It's like he doesn't want to do this shit anymore.
- Oh, and guess what, there's a fucking Funko Pop figure in it! Suicide Squad Harley Quinn. THAT'S NOT EASTERN!

Another new one called Mythhoard. All tabletop RPGs. None of which Bores will play because he's a phony.
- He lists them, I do not give a fuck. He doesn't even try because he clearly knows nothing.

NerdBlock, which is supposedly well established. Who gives a fuck?!
- A snowglobe of the Eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings.
- A t-shirt of Jareth the Goblin King from Labyrinth, and once again he says it wrong! "Laber-ninth". Of course there's Linda and another white knight in the comments crying like babies. "WHO CARES? STOP COMPLAINING! PRAISE ONLY! FUCK YOU!" Ugh, you are awful.
- A Simpsons book from Mr. Burns called the "Handbook of World Domination"
- A hanging thing of the Back to the Future time circut board.
- Ghostbusters art.
- The "coolest thing" is new M.U.S.C.L.E. figures only with Masters of the Universe characters. Of you would care you 80's obsessed manchild. "Make sure you check out my I Rate the 80's" Because I'm never going to make another! PLEASE GIVE MONEY!

Onto Bam! Box. Once again no pointless jumpcuts. I think Chris is too tired and possibly apathetic to any of his "ZANY" editing.
- A pin featuring The Mask (the Jim Carrey one)
- A Hannibal Lecter mask. Apparently the theme is villains.
- A small box inspired by the end of Se7en asking "What's in the Box?" and there's a severed head. Chris tries act all scary and it's cringy as fuck.
- A Harley Quinn comic
- A Harley Quinn print "signed" by her. Yeah that's worthless.
- And the "coolest" item is a vinyl record of the Batman: The Killing Joke soundtrack. "How cool is that?!" It's not. You have shit taste.
He knows people have been using his links. Love all them kickbacks huh?
"I just know everyone is going to love it" You don't know anything.

ZBox. I'm starting to notice he says "cool" way too much. Open a thesaurus please.
- A shirt with iconic sci-fi characters.
- A World of Warcraft plushie, and to show how much of a fraud Chris is, he calls it "Worlds" of Warcraft. Come the fuck on!
- A pair of Alien figures with Ripley and the Xenomorph.
- And the "coolest" thing is a Doctor Who Weeping Angel bobblehead. "Very cool" OH god, I can't stop noticing it!

Finally, the ArcadeBlock. The box is shaped like an NES.
- A t-shirt of the Eye of Truth from The Legend of Zelda.
- A random Nintendo minifigure, he got Bowser.
- A USB SNES controller.
- A random FNAF minifigure, he got Foxy.
- And a Tetris mug.

Oh, seems there's another box from ArcadeBlock.
- A t-shirt of Chica from FNAF yelling "Let's Eat!" You know, for being shaped like an NES, there's way too much FNAF
- A Donkey Kong print
- Sonic stickers
- Super Mario ice cube tray. Why? These are so dumb.
- A Legend of Zelda journal.
- A random World of Warcraft minifigure. Looks like he got a higher-tier Orc. Sorry, my knowledge of Warcraft is very limited.
- A Toad air freshener. Oh hey, he didn't do the stupid "boy this really stinks" joke. Progress!
- A Legend of Zelda keychain
- A speaker in the shape of Mega Man's helmet.
- And we end on "the coolest item" with a Street Fighter sushi set.  It reminds him of something he'd get at E3. It's just a plate, with chopsticks. I don't think Capcom would be giving that way. You're such a retard, and I don't care if I'm offending with that word.

Time for the overall.
Fourth is Bam! Box
Third is Loot Crate
Second is NerdBlock
First is ArcadeBlock
More shilling.

I want someone to go through these and cut together all the times he says "cool". I swear, half the video is just that.
I don't know if I want to do anymore Box Wars. If this is the tone he's going for now, it's just so boring. He'll probably keep doing them as long as he gets kickbacks. But now it's clear he so doesn't care. Why care when illiterate kids will throw themselves onto Puppet Steve.

When I find time, I'll keep trucking through Puppet Steve.

EDIT: Oh and he got rid of the Wisdom Tree video. Hope someone saved it.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Minecraft Puppet Steve Part 2: Who Needs Sense Anyway?

Chris has been a busy guy when it comes to the puppet show. Several videos over the past couple weeks. So much for my “three part plan”.

Apparently Chris REALLY doesn’t want people to know about this channel. According to MacDragard, someone posted about it on one of his Facebook pages, and it was quickly deleted. Someone should inform Chris about the Striesand Effect. Though, I do believe there’s a good reason he hasn’t been open about this. Looking at the comments of recent Irate Gamer videos, most of them are fans pissed off that he’s not providing new content, only paid promotional crap. If they learned this is what he’s been doing instead, they would really be mad.
Not to mention how he claimed on Facebook that “I don’t have the time or money to do more Irate Gamer”. Well, apparently he has the time to put together all these puppet videos, and the money to buy all the toys featured, and several boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (I’ll get to that in a future post). It would be another massive lie Chris told his fans, and there’s only so many lies before it all topples over.

Anyway, time to look at more of these lame videos. That’s really the best word to describe them, lame.

Video #9: Lego Dimensions Ghostbusters Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Superman, Review Unboxing - Minecraft

Let me just say, Chris has completely undersold how batshit insane Lego Dimensions really is. They make full use of the crossover potential. As an example, to get past some of the Turrets in the Portal 2 level, you summon the talking tree from The Wizard of Oz to take them out. In the Ghostbusters level, you fight General Zod. In the DC Comics level you fight Sauron, and in the endgame you get assistance from GLaDOS, the 12th Doctor, the Ghostbusters, and the ship from Defender. Seriously there’s a whole level dedicated to Midway Arcade games and Chris said NOTHING. The most he addressed was “the two Chris Pratt characters make a joke together derp”. Then again, that’s what happens when you rush to get a review out without actually getting through the game.

He’s going to look at Wave 4 of Lego Dimensions. Where’s Aquaman?
“Wave 4? Wow, somebody’s making a lot of money!” More like they planned this out in advance and steadily released the figures over time. But yes, they are making money, if they weren’t there wouldn’t be a “Year 2” with Adventure Time and Harry Potter.
First he looks at Superman. Says he’s smug and wants to slap him. Have fun with a broken hand.
Superman can fly and use his “X-Ray vision” to destroy enemies. That’s his heat vision you moron! How can you not tell the difference? Some DC fan you are.
The Hover Pod he comes with has a “cool energy attack”. He just bumps into things. Where’s the energy?
Onto Stay Puft. “I suddenly have a craving for some s’mores” *rolls eyes*
He says that since this is the first time Stay Puft has a Lego minifig, he’s going to be hard to find. *checks Amazon* Plenty in stock *checks other stores* Plenty in stock. You have no idea how value & rarity works do you Chris?
You can lay down a “marshmallow smackdown”. “I haven’t seen a smackdown that epic since I came to town” Is there a story behind this joke or are you just being stupidly random again?
Mentions the Terror Dog that comes with it.
Oh, there’s Aquaman. “I hope he doesn’t throw a dolphin at me!” Uggggh… Wait, no mention of the Aqua Watercraft he comes with? I suspect he didn’t actually buy the set itself, but used a pre-existing Aquaman mini-fig as the base he’s on actually belongs to Chell from Portal (according to one of the comments). There is footage, but that could easily be taken from another channel.

Finally onto the Midway Arcade Level Pack, which comes with Gamer Kid.
“What the heck is a Gamer Kid?!” … How am I supposed to respond to that? How do you not get such obvious stuff? This is “what the fuck is a muscle?” all over again. Perhaps he’s trying to pretend he doesn’t get it in case people find out he’s the Irate Gamer. OOPS!
He mentions how he’s a strong character because he has four powers and that’s more than Superman. Okay, neither is remotely true. Gamer Kid has five powers, super strength, invincibility, invisibility, super speed, and laser/heat vision (the last of which Bores neglects to mention). Superman has seven powers, flight, diving underwater, invincibility, super strength, freeze breath, laser/heat vision, and x-ray vision (yes, they do different things). The difference is that Gamer Kid can only use one for a limited amount of time. Superman is Superman. Do you not actually play the game at all? I mean, some of the footage has to be yours, but it feels like you don’t pay attention.

After he mentions Gamer Kid’s super speed, he says they don’t need the Flash anymore and swats away a Flash minifig. He wasn’t even part of the game.
“Of course with this new level pack, we get a new level to play” Yep, it’s Chris alright. Dat redundancy.
He mentions that it comes with Spy Hunter, which does nothing. Maybe if you tried upgrading it? Then the Arcade cabinet which plays Midway titles like Paperboy and Spy Hunter, and Steve says he sucks at the game. Wow, that’s more self-awareness than the Irate Gamer ever had. Maybe if you had that, more people would actually like that show. Too bad you chose terrible Family Guy pandering instead.

The video concludes with Steve complaining that he’s not in the game even though there‘s already Lego Minecraft sets. Why does Chris write Steve to be so fucking egotistical? It’s not an endearing character trait. Nobody likes to hear “me me me me!” all the damn time.
“I’m the coolest out of all of them!” How do kids like this?
Then Lego Flash appears and asks if he‘s cool. So he’s not pissed that Steve swatted him off the table? Whatever, stupid appearance is stupid.

Sorry for all the text, I’ve gotten into the game thanks to several deals and it’s loaded with content. Chris being the phony that he is, barely dedicated time to exploring the Adventure Worlds or even bothering to beat the game. Hell, most of the footage was in the same spot in the fifth level. I suspect the Aquaman footage wasn’t his because that was in an Adventure World.

Video #10: Amiibo Unboxing - Ryu & Famicom Colors ROB Figures Puppet Steve Review

Been a while since amiibo was talked about. Can’t even access amiibo Informer anymore. Ha!
Short video, only 1:30.

Starts with a bunch of amiibo on his table. “As you can see I have tons of these things” That’s barely anything. Where’s the Animal Crossing? The Splatoon? The other Super Mario set (besides Luigi since you’re so averse to the Smash Bros version for some reason)? The 8-Bit Marios? The amiibolanders?
He lists off some of his favorites, ending on Mr. Game & Watch, but instead calls him “that guy that looks like Enderman’s cousin”. What happened to “Mr. G&W is my favorite Smash Bros character”? Sounds like it was bullshit all along. That’s what happens when you cover the same subject matter as two different “characters”, the lies become easier to spot.
“Two more that were just released” Three weeks before this video was uploaded. Even here Chris covers things way later than usual.
Mispronounces Ryu. Uggggggh. The other is R.O.B. Famicom Colors
Starts with Ryu. The way he phrases “downloadable content” is so weird. “He’s part of the expansion characters you had to download” This reads like Google Translate.
“And the bonus is that he’s from Street Fighter!” How is that a bonus?
Then he poses it next to the Captain Falcon amiibo as he plays The Final Countdown. Hope you’re not planning a DVD Chris! Actually, I don’t think he can with this series. He doesn’t own the character of Steve. As unoriginal as that was, at least he owns the Irate Gamer. I’d love to see him try though. If Saban didn’t bother with him, Microsoft certainly will.

Onto Fami R.O.B.
“Making it an all new character” Uhhh no. Same character, same in-game uses. Just like Mega Man and Golden Mega Man.
“Just look at those color differences, I think I’ve gone color blind” No you haven’t. That’s not even how color-blindness works. You’re not funny.
So that’s it. No mention of in-game uses. What about Roy? He came out the same day. What about Animal Crossing Wave 3? Oh wait, “not important enough” I’m guessing.

Then a stupid bit where he tries to get Ryu to fight his Ender Dragon figure, only to get blown up. He calls him a wuss. Yeah, look up all the different characters Ryu has fought then call him that.
R.O.B. tries and gets blown up. He calls him a pansy. This is retarded.
Then he puts down a Steve figure and shock of shocks Steve wins. Holy shit the egotism is actually painful. I don’t get it!

Video #11: Zootopia Crazy Movie Review - Puppet Steve Minecraft

This was one of the videos I looked through when discovering his channel. Not going to be fun to rewatch it. These “crazy” reviews are among the worst videos he produces.

First a look at the description.
“Zootopia is the movie being reviewed this time.” This time? This is the only movie you’ve reviewed. A trailer reaction doesn’t count. Chris, did you mix up Irate Gamer and Puppet Steve?
“Puppet Steve talks about his experience at the movie and his role with the Fox and Rabbit the only way Puppet Steve can!” His role? What?

Steve is joined by Zombie Steve. “The new movie Zootopia” Hold on *video posted April 9th 2016* *Zootopia came out in the US March 4th 2016* God damn it Chris, more lateness.
Starts out talking about how Judy Hopps wants to be a police officer (doesn’t mention her by name) but is told she can’t because she’s “not big enough”. It’s more that rabbits are seen as cute and harmless, and not cut out to be police officers.
Then he claims they reject her because they have “the coolest police officer”, Puppet Steve. And already with the egotistical fuckery. Your stupid puppet wasn’t in the movie Chris!
ZS bluntly tells him “No!” I’m starting to like you Zombie Steve, you’re not a complete idiot.
The other officers “mock her”. Less that and more she’s not taken seriously and put on parking duty, despite being the academy valedictorian. “Poor little bunny rabbit” *Minecraft rabbit from video #6 appears* “Not that kind of a bunny rabbit!” *rolls eyes*
“She meets this cunning fox!” What’s his name? Nick Wilde! How is it hard to learn the character’s names Chris?

Then another “Puppet Steve is in the movie” joke. Ugh… At least ZS tells him “No!’ again.
“The Fox and the Rabbit” Me too stupid to listen to movie or look up movie after seeing it!
“… which ends up leading them all around town and into the clutches of some evil henchmen” That’s not quite how it went. The Godfather scene (which Chris is showing) connects to an earlier scene where Judy saved Mr. Big’s daughter, and they were given hints on where to go next. They never really get captured after that. Did you pay attention?
Another “Puppet Steve is in the movie” joke. The video is barely 3 minutes long yet somehow Chris found a way to pad it out!
Steve describes the plot in the most generic way, saying how they go all over and there’s twists and turns. I’m convinced Chris didn’t actually see the movie.
And then another GOD DAMN “PUPPET STEVE IS IN THE MOVIE” JOKE! Holy fuck, it wasn’t funny the first time why would it be funny four times?!
ZS tries to tell him “No” again, but Steve just hits him off screen. Yep, more sociopath Bores.
“Puppet Steve ends up chasing the bad guy” No. Also, the image shown is not the bad guy. It’s just Judy and Nick next to a fence.
“Everybody dies” It’s a DISNEY MOVIE! Why would that happen?! What is wrong with you?!
“The bad guy turns out to be the evil Enderman!” … Were you dropped on your head as a kid? Where’s the joke? What am I supposed to be laughing at? Am I too old?
He calls the Enderman a jerk, and his Enderman puppet appears scaring Steve into saying he’s “awesome”. Why is he even here?

Steve claims the moral is that you can grow up to be anything you want. Welp, I’m convinced. Chris didn’t even see the movie. Otherwise he would know it’s about not judging people based on stereotypes or how they look. It’s a message about racism! Something this country desperately needs. Why would you make this video if you didn’t even see the movie? It’s not like he wanted those big “it’s fresh in everyone’s mind” views, this video came out a month after the movie did!
Also, I just noticed but there’s a laugh track in the video. It’s like Chris saw what he made, realized how terrible it was, but put “so much work” into it that he still uploaded it, and put the laugh track in the hopes some stupid 7 year old kid would laugh.

Video #12: LEGO Dimensions Slimer Ghostbusters Action Figure Unboxing Review Puppet Steve Minecraft

Man, that title is still an awful word salad.
This was his most popular video when I discovered the channel, but that’s been beaten by an upcoming video.

This starts with a short intro leading into the reveal that it’s now called “The Puppet Steve Show” instead of “The Minecraft Puppets Show”. I guess Steve’s ego took over the show title.

As the title indicates, he’s going to look at the Slimer Fun Pack for Dimensions. No Bane or Lloyd from Ninjago? Those guys made the fifth wave. If you’re going to cover this series, put more effort into it.
Zombie Steve is there, he says “green”. Joke?
“Zombie Steve’s a little slow” But he was smart enough to pick up on your bullshit in the last video.
“Oh man just look at all these pieces” There’s barely any! This isn’t the Starter Pack, or a $150 Lego set.
He puts it together, then animated the Slimer minifig’s mouth because… reasons.
He shows the Slime Shooter, and he’s weirdly overemphasizing his words. Not sure what he’s trying to go for.
He takes out the Peter Venkman and Stay Puft figures. Zombie Steve then eats his Stay Puft and Venkman minifigs, prompting Steve to hit him. At least the violence was justified this time.
“Slimer is a powerhouse that can destroy his enemies with his ghostly ways” All the characters destroy enemies the same way. It’s more about the way he can solve puzzles and collect items.
He then shows that he can fly and “eat a lot”. That eating his “hazard clean up” ability. He can also use a hot dog as a boomerang (similar to Batman in-game), dive underwater, smash glass with sonar, light up dark spots, and get into small areas. He has a shocking amount of powers actually. Shame you can’t play for more than 5 minutes to figure that out.

Then the video ends with the Slimer figure turning intangible, ZS appearing and phasing through Steve, and then Steve screaming that there’s ghosts while images of the Slimer figure pop up all over. Well that stupid. At least it was short.

Video #13: McDonalds 2016 Happy Meal Toys Skylanders SuperChargers 6 cars Review - Puppet Steve

I still don’t understand why he would do this. Skylanders sure but why the Happy Meal toys? They’re useless pieces of plastic! At least when SpeedRacerFlubber did it, it was clearly ironic.

Open on a stupid Zombie Steve joke, then he wants to eat McDonalds because the Happy Meal box is in front of them.
“You can’t eat these, these are toys!” Then why are they in the box that usually serves the food with the toys?
Shows the first toy, ZS says “Zoom” to try and make it move on its own, Steve laughs at him, then he says it a second time and it does move. Somehow this constitutes a joke.
Shows the second, ZS says “Zoom” again to make it move.
The third toy, ZS tries to say but gets interrupted by Steve, he tries it but nothing, then ZS makes it move. What’s the point of this video?
Then Chris somehow forgets to count and goes to the “fifth toy”. Was there a missing scene or something?
Anyway since it’s an aquatic-based vehicle, Steve laughs at ZS saying he can’t get it to “Zoom”. ZS just says “Water” and the entire room fills up with water. Just because zombies are created by magic in some stories, doesn’t make zombies magical themselves.
Oh, now we get the fourth toy. Did Chris mess up on the timeline? I’m amazed he did  editing professionally at one point, that’s an amateur mistake.
Steve freaks out because it’s another aquatic-based vehicle as ZS makes water appear again. This is so redundant.
Sixth and final toy is a jet. Steve mocks ZS on how he can get it to move. He’s going to say “Fly” isn’t he? Yep, he did, and it flew. What was this?
Video over.

That was just the same joke over and over again! What the fuck? Who is this for? I know it’s for kids, but how old? There’s different levels of kids entertainment. You’ve got your stuff on Nick Jr. and PBS, you’ve got your Nickelodeon, you’ve got your Cartoon Network, you’ve got your Marvel Cinematic Universe, what level of kids is this targeting?

Video #14: Five Nights at Freddy's Collectable FUNKO Vinyl Figures set 1, 2 unboxing Review - Puppet Steve

Onto the most popular video on the Minecraft Puppet Steve channel (in that it has the most views). I do know that kids love FNAF, it’s how MatPat managed to get enough clout to meet the Pope, and completely embarrasses himself to the world.

Anyway, two boxes with four figures each.
“Five nights? Heh, I only need one!” … What does that mean? You do know why it’s called Five Nights right Chris?
Zombie Steve starts freaking out, yelling “evil evil!” Odd that the zombie is saying that when usually someone would be calling him “evil”
Steve calls ZS a “drama queen”. Kids deserve better than this…
“There are two sets to collect in all. Set one and set two!” Oh come on! Even your intended audience can count to two! How stupid do you think people are?!

First he looks at Chica holding the Cupcake. Or “Mr. Cupcake” as he calls him. He’s wrong by the way, the Cupcake doesn’t have a name.
“He isn’t scary looking, he’s actually kind of cute” I’m sorry, he? Did you just refer to Chica as a guy? Big sign that Chris knows nothing about FNAF. Chica’s a girl. Couldn’t you do ANY research before this Chris? Also, that’s cute? Very twisted idea of “cute”. Then again, the mountains of fan art show people think similarly…
Her eyes glow red because cliché, ZS starts shouting “evil evil!” again (why do I have the urge to watch Spongebob now). So Chica jump scares him right? No a safe falls on Steve. … What?

Apparently it knocks him out for the an entire day as we get a title card saying “Day 2”.
He looks at Foxy, mentions he has a hook on his hand. Hate the way he says “creepy”
Then onto Golden Freddy. “That’s a Golden Freddy? Well he doesn’t look so tough to me!” I’m sorry, what’s this supposed to refer to? This line makes no sense.
Golden Freddy’s eyes glow, ZS says “careful” instead, and Steve gets hit by a flying rock. Where are the jump scares?

Day 3. I’m starting to sense a pattern. He keeps referring to them as “technical difficulties”. He tries to show the Bare Endoskeleton but can’t get it to stand up, and it’s arm falls off. Not sure if intentional or shoddy plastic. Would be nice to clarify that for the audience Chris!
He starts on the second box, starting with Freddy. Eyes glow, ZS freaks out, Steve does the cliché “what’s going to happen, am I going to burst into flames?” And he does… Not really a jump scare. It’s looking more and more like Chris knows absolutely nothing about this series. Such a phony.

Day 4. “I can’t believe it’s taken four days already to review these things” Ooooh now I get that “I can do it one” line. It’s still stupid and it shows Chris doesn’t know why it’s called “Five Nights”. Parents, keep your kids away from this. I can’t stress this enough.
He shows off Bonnie, knocks him off the table. Shows off Springtrap, then knocks him off the table. Then onto the last figure, Balloon Boy. Glowing eyes, then it starts flying into the air, and somehow drops safes on Steve and ZS. Review over? Nope, somehow there’s a Day 5. But he looked at all eight figures!

“I can’t believe it took us five days to review all these figures!” But it didn’t, and even then you can barely call this a review. You just showed off the figures and said nothing about them. You’re lazy! You can’t write!
Then the video ends with all eight of them glowing and they explode.

Yeah, this video does nothing but show that Chris couldn’t even bother to do proper research on FNAF. Instead of attacking him with jump scares, they do stupid shit like drop safes on his head or throw rocks or explode. That makes no sense! How are so bad at this Chris? Kids deserve better!

Video #15: Secret Life of Pets Movie Film Action Figures Gift Set Target Pack Review

This post got shockingly long so this is the last video for now.
I haven’t seen The Secret Life of Pets and have no intention of seeing it, but I’m sure Chris will somehow get things wrong about it.

Big box of figures, apparently Target exclusive. ZS wants to eat the pets. Steve tells him you don’t eat pets, you play with them. That and you take care of them, feed them, clean up after them, respect them, take them out on walks if they’re dogs, there’s a lot to pet ownership.
He starts with Max (the main protagonist), he tries telling it do tricks but it stays still. It’s an inanimate object, it’s not going to do any of that! He then uses stop-motion to demonstrate that its neck can move. See, this is why you fail as a reviewer, even when hiding behind a puppet. Instead of using your hands to demonstrate its neck can move, you waste time on stop-motion. That’s a waste of effort!
After showing he has a dog bowl, ZS starts yelling “eat eat” and eats the figure. Starting not to like you again ZS.

Then he shows off Duke, also won’t do tricks, then uses stop motion to show he can move his neck too. Again, just use your hands! Then he does a fart joke. Well, at least it’s appropriate for the audience he wants.
Then he shows Sweetpea (a budgie), it cuts to a close-up of Steve, then cuts to a wide show to show ZS has eaten the figure. There’s a “dun dun dun”, Steve yells at ZS and the figure falls out of his mouth. I’m bored…
Then he shows Norman, who he calls a hamster. Actually reading the Wikipedia page, Norman’s a guinea pig. There’s a difference if you ever walk into a pet store.
He asks if he can turn his head, he does but then there’s “snap” and the screen turns red. Wow, that was shockingly violent. “I think he killed himself” KIDS SHOW! Then another fart joke. Well if he’s dead, then he voided his bowels. Just saying.
But then he calls the Enderman to get rid of it. Ugh, that’s so stupid. It’s like “I’m still Minecraft related, look I’ve got Enderman!” It’s almost like this channel’s equivalent of his “I’m a gamer guys, really” moments.

Then Mel, he tries to make him do tricks, but again it’s a fucking inanimate action figure with little to no articulation! This is so dumb. Then Mel makes Sweetpea’s stand appear under him. Whatever…
Then he shows Gidget. Which somehow does tricks… what makes this different? This video doesn’t make sense.
Then a Creeper appears because fuck you, it blows up, it supposedly “kills” Gidget IT’S A TOY! This isn’t the end of Toy Story 3!

That’s all the figures. He wonders where Snowball the rabbit is, then calls Enderman to bring him one. So he’s a slave now? Just like the X-Men…
He calls him cute, but doesn’t like the look on his face, ZS screams “evil evil” again, Steve asks if he’s going to multiply, and using the duplication tool in his editing software, he makes it multiply. Uggggggh dumb dumb dumb dumb.

These videos are just insulting. There’s no educational value to them, it’s all random-access garbage. There’s little constituting a review. It’s just Chris doing random crap while pretending to be a puppet. What does Chris even want? What is his goal?

Looking ahead, we’ve got Pokemon Go, Teen Titans Go, Ghostbusters, and Monster High. Hopefully it won’t take too long to type all that up. Unless Chris posts something new over on Irate Gamer. *checks* Nope, nothing since that latest "give me referrals" scam. He really hates his fans.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Minecraft Puppet Steve Part 1: From Marty to Steve

Nothing but paid promotional crap on the main IG channel. One video where he promotes a box. I’m not a kidding, a Kickstarter for a Magic the Gathering box that even MTG fans say is a bad idea. He mentions Nick “SWAGshow” Hugget in the description. I thought that bridge was burned a long time ago? Guess not…
Followed by Chris offering free trials to a site that provides stock footage and effects, which I’m pretty sure he’s only doing as he gets kickbacks for it. Is that money going into the Irate Gamer? I doubt it, it’s more than likely going into Puppet Steve. You better tell your fans about that Chris, they’re getting angry that you’re not doing anything of substance.

I guess now is a good time to start covering the Minecraft Puppet Steve channel. As of this post there are 24 videos, so I’ll attempt to cover them in three parts. Dedicating an entire post to each individual one would be a waste of space and energy due to their short length (longest video is only 4 minutes).

Video #1: Minions Megabloks Castle Playset Review - Marty and Muffin Puppet Show

The first couple videos don’t actually have Minecraft Puppet Steve, instead they feature original puppets named Marty and Muffin. Well, to call “Muffin” original would be stretching it.
Marty is so obviously Chris’ voice, barely hidden.
As the title indicates, they’re going to look at a Minions Mega Bloks set.
“I love the Minions” I can see Muffin has terrible taste.
And the first joke has Marty getting “crushed” by the bags containing the Blok pieces. … Already bored.
Marty tries reading the instructions upside down… uhhh le grill? Is Marty supposed to be retarded?
Then Marty claims he can build the whole set in 10 seconds, and tells Muffin to time him. So we get a boring sequence where Muffin counts to 10 while Marty flails like a moron.
“Oh what the heck is this?” … That’s the Union Jack, the flag for the United Kingdom. Okay, if any parents are reading this, do not let your kids watch this series. It’s anti-educational.
When the 10 seconds are up, it looks finished, oh wait it’s the box covering his mess. Holy shit I was just joking about the “le grill” part, that’s exactly the “Homer tries to build a grill” scene from Mom & Pop Art.
Then Muffin explodes and starts flying around, somehow building it. Represented by the pieces moving around and sped-up footage. I imagine this is where all the effort went.
“How did you do that?” “I’m a magic muffin.” … Okay.
So Marty shows all the “things” you can do. I guess these are based on scenes from the movie? I don’t know, I didn’t see that crap.
Marty then shows the “best thing” to do… party with the Minions. Oh fuck this noise.

Barely a review. Just “here’s the thing, here’s some of the possible things you can do”. He didn’t go into ease of construction, or quality or anything that actually sounds like a review. Just the terrible brand of “wackiness” Chris has come to show us before he turned the IG channel into “All Ads All The Time”.

Video #2: Gravity Falls JazWares Figures Review & BILL CIPHER DESTRUCTION (Marty & Muffin)

Noooo, I’m still sad that this show is over. Don’t rub it in Chris.

Marty mentions the figures are new, twice. No excuse Chris, this is very clearly scripted!
“These things are so-weeter than I am” I imagine if Muffin stuck around, there would be a lot more painful food jokes. Also I typed sweeter out like that because of the weird way he pronounces it.
Marty plans to open the box with scissors. You don’t really need scissors to open that.
Muffin warns him it might be booby-trapped. … Why? Why would the box be booby-trapped?
Marty touches the box and it explodes. … What’s the joke? “It might be trapped” “No it isn’t” “Except it is!” That’s barely anything. It’s not even a Gravity Falls reference.
Somehow the explosion get the figures out of the box. Marty then coughs up Styrofoam. Not sure if that’s meant to be his teeth or explosion dust.

He lists off the characters, Muffin remarks that he doesn’t like Gideon, then Marty shows all six in the photos and literally counts from one to six. How old do you think the kids watching are?
“Yep, this is also an educational show” Fuck you! You’re about as educational as the Oogieloves.
There’s a scroll with the image of Bill Cipher, and Marty sees there’s more figures on the back of the box. Muffin then uses his “magic” (ugggh) to bring in those figures. Parents, do not let kids watch this. Seriously.
He lists off these figures, shows off they have articulation, let me stop here. When Chris does a close-up of a figure and holds it in his hands, he’s wearing these giant blue gloves and it looks really awkward and out of place. Completely shattering the suspension of disbelief (what little there was).

More scrolls, then Marty compares the two Dipper figures, and he says he doesn’t want them to be any bigger. Why not?
Then … Bill Cipher shows up. This feels insulting. He’s going to give him bigger figures, and he does. Rather, he just creates images of the larger Dipper figure. Then he drops a giant one onto Marty. Ah yes, the classic “shit falls on Bores” bit. Somehow he has not gotten tired of that.
Then Bill drops another one, and then a massive one through a stock image of a house. Oh come on, I saw the house disappear for a couple frames. That is sloppy!
Chris, if this is the worst you make Bill Cipher do, then you seriously lack imagination. This is a guy whose first action was to pull all the teeth from a deer and offer them to Gideon, and then laugh off being called insane. And it’s still a show for kids. This is why you’ll never work on DuckTales Chris.

Again, barely a review. He shows off the figures, then shows off more, the most he mentions is how they have articulation. If Chris expects people to take him seriously with these puppet videos, then to quote Bill Cipher “It’s funny how dumb you are”.

Video #3: Minecraft The End Ender Dragon Mojang Playset mini figures puppet steve

Marty and Muffin show off the playset. Muffin is scared because it’s a dragon. … It’s a fucking toy!
Which Marty does point out, it’s nothing but a toy.  But then the Ender Dragon’s eyes glow red and he shoots a stock fire effect.  What is Chris’ obsession with toys coming to life and doing evil things?
Marty tries to open the box, but the Ender Dragon manages to pierce the plastic and set his hair on fire. “I think my hair is on fire” Where’s the funny?

And then… he shows up.
Puppet Steve makes his appearance. Sorry Marty, the channel belongs to him now.
“That’s not just any Ender Dragon, that’s a Level 5 black Ender Dragon”. Couple of things. One, the Ender Dragon doesn’t have levels, the only thing in Minecraft that does is you, the playable character. Does Chris think Minecraft is like D&D? Two, the Ender Dragon doesn’t come in other colors. He’s only black. Three, despite being a channel hosted by a Minecraft character, it’s pretty clear that Chris knows nothing about the game.
More proof? Steve goes on about how hot his fire breath is. I asked someone that played Minecraft, and the Ender Dragon does not breathe fire. His breath is more like acid. At least try to research this if you’re going to dedicate an entire channel to it.
Steve claims his fire breath goes up to 5000 degrees Fahrenheit and can burn your eyebrows off your face. If there was a creature that breathed a substance that hot, I’m pretty sure my eyebrows would be the last thing I would be worried about. I’d be more concerned with my whole god damn face!
Oh, he says eyebrows so they can do a dumb joke where Marty freaks out and Muffin reminds him he has no eyebrows. Blaaah…

So Steve opens the package, and like Marty we get close-ups with Chris wearing awkward looking gloves. I’m sorry, it’s just really wrong looking.
Oh did I say open the package? I meant a dumb sequence where opening the package is being treated like diffusing an armed bomb.
Steve removes the toy, and hits it in the head which somehow tames it. This is so dumb…
Steve shows off all the “awesome” things you can do, like move its tail and neck, and have it pose with the tiny Steve that comes with it… you know, these barely articulate action figures don’t seem like fun toys. Maybe I’m just jaded.
And I guess that’s the entire review portion.

The Ender Dragon somehow disappears, then somehow grows giant size (Chris filming it up close). Sooo they get burned right? Nope, Marty asks if they could ride him and he agrees. WHERE’S THE JOKE?!
Then in the end slate, Marty is blown up by a Creeper. I’m going to assume he’s dead now since Puppet Steve takes over from here. Bye!

Video #4: Minecraft Reviews Survival mode Figures Mattel Unboxing - Puppet Steve

Despite this being a Puppet Steve video, the intro still introduces Marty & Muffin. Smoooth.
We also meet the other character of these videos, Zombie Steve. He’s a zombie. First thing he says is “brains”. … Hooray for lazy!
Anyway, five six-inch Minecraft figures.
Steve asks Zombie Steve if they’re cool, ZS just stays “brains” again, Steve says he has a one-track mind and hits him off the set. Yep, this is a Chris Bores video alright, attacking someone you don’t want to have around. Great lesson for the kids!
First he looks at Steve. It has “karate chop” action, including a shot of Chris using the toy on a tree. I can see snow so maybe those gloves are keeping him warm.
Then he shows off more of his Steve toys as you can “never have too many Steves”. Blaaaah…

Then he looks at the wolf, he makes it do tricks (which it obviously can’t do), then he tells it to “Play Dead, Play Alive” and “Play Hello”. Which then cuts to the wolf imposed over a woman singing something with the pitch turned all the way up. *looks in comments* Apparently that was meant to be Adele and her song Hello. I could barely tell with that god damn pitch change. I don’t know anything about current pop (I stopped listening to Todd in the Shadows after he openly defended a pedophile).

Next is a sheep. It comes already sheared.
“Whoa, I thought this was supposed to be a kids show” You’re not funny and nobody likes you!
“Let’s get some clothes on this sheep” That’s wool! Just because it’s used to make human clothes doesn’t mean it’s sheep clothes.
The toy comes with shears, he tries to “shear it” by hitting it, which somehow causes the wool to fly into his eye. Okay how did that even work? The perspective shows that the wool flies away from him, yet somehow it turns around and hits his eye? Fucking hell Chris, I know it’s a puppet show but you still need to have ground rules! You can’t have random shit for the sake of random shit!

Next is a skeleton.
“Time to pull this out of the package” Thanks, I couldn’t tell what you were doing.
He’s wearing an eye patch now, and starts looking at the bow & arrow it comes with. … The arrow is going to go into his other eye isn’t it?
YEP! Same telegraphed Chris Bores crap. Hiding behind a puppet won’t change that.

Finally, the Creeper. It’s going to end in an explosion. I haven’t even watched it and I already know how the joke will go.
The Creeper comes in pieces, he puts it together, Steve’s eye patch disappears because fuck continuity, and it simulates exploding by falling apart. Fair enough.
Steve invites ZS back to play, ZS tries to eat the Creeper toy and it explodes. Told you.
Four videos down.

Video #5: Minecraft "Enderman is a Sissy" Angry Master Rant - Puppet Steve

This sounds pleasant. What’s a “master rant”?
The intro no longer has Marty & Muffin, and instead it’s the “Minecraft Puppets Show”. Shouldn’t that just be “puppet” singular?

Anyway, Enderman is apparently a loser.
Holy shit gameplay footage! That is more than likely not his due to how low quality it looks. Likely downloaded off of someone else’s channel.
“Sure the Enderman may act all innocent” Uhhh no? He’s an enemy.
“But deep down, he’s an evil-hearted booger face” … *sighs* I need a drink. Do kids even say booger face these days?
He complains about how he lives in another land and how he’s an “emo kid”. What year did you write this? Who even still uses “emo”?
According to iDuck in the comments of my last post, the footage he’s showing has mods enabled. Making it obvious that Chris did not record this. He refuses to touch a PC game.

And apparently his action figure is stupid. Why? Because of the arms? He has long arms because of the game…
“It’s not as cool as this Steve action figure” This is dumb…
Then another action figure which has him screaming and that shows he’s a “sissy”. You do realize that when they start screaming, that means you need to run. The Enderman is similar to the Slender Man and that looking at him for long periods of time is bad for your health.
And more “playing” with his Steve figures. I am so glad there’s only one Minecraft video after this…
“Steve is so awesome!” Just keep telling yourself that Chris.
“I don’t see why you need any other action figure besides mine” Completion purposes? Wanting to act out Minecraft scenarios with plastic toys? Are you retarded Chris?
He brags some more about himself, even plays a Hallelujah chorus over him.

He insults Enderman’s arms again, thinking he’ll be “tickled to death”. Really? That’s your takeaway from creepy long arms?
Then he calls him a bed wetter because of his constant teleportation. So is Nightcrawler a bed wetter too? Mr. “I’m a huge X-Men fan”? Slender Man, look him up!
“Get this guy a diaper already!” So much stupid.
Then he starts insulting his pink eyes because pink is a “sissy color”. Chris, you’re almost 40, you’re well past the age where you can call pink a “sissy girl color”. Yes it’s feminine, but it isn’t just used for women or girl characters.
He concludes saying Enderman is nothing but a “scaredy-cat whiner baby stupid head”. So these are for like 3 year olds right?
Then the Enderman shows up. Let me guess, he’s going to kill him. Actually, he just touches him and he’s transported to the End.
“I’m in the Ender Zone” No! It’s called the End! It’s so fucking clear you know NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING about Minecraft! Yet you have a channel where you pretend to be the main playable character. Even when you’re trying something original, you come off as a complete and utter fraud! You couldn’t pass as a ghost hunter, you couldn’t pass a gamer, and you clearly can’t pass as a Minecraft fan.
The Ender Dragon appears, Steve jokes about hot dogs, and he gets burned with fire (again, Ender Dragon can’t do that), though it’s more like a light roasting.
“I hate the Ender Zone” And I hate this video.

“We need some scribers” Is that what the kids are calling subscribers now?

God, this was so childish. Even by his standards. What was even the point? What was the joke? I can’t say this enough, don’t let kids watch this. It will make them dumber.

Video #6: Minecraft Toys Series 4 Obsidian Unboxing Mini Figures Puppet Steve Review

The last Minecraft related video. In which he actually talks about something Minecraft related, he’s still going to use the Minecraft puppet.

Some mini-figures. For some reason Steve goes “OooOooOoo” in his intro like the figures are meant to be scary.
They’re mystery boxes so you don’t know what you’ll get.
“I hope there’s money in these” … Noooo. Why would there be money? How is that a joke?
First box has a rabbit, he doesn’t like it. What’s wrong with rabbits?
Second box also has a rabbit. Surprisingly, not duplication editing.
Third box has a rabbit, odd.
“This thing is worse than grandpaw’s kisses” … What?
Then a montage where he gets multiple rabbits, and it’s clearly fake at this point as he recycles footage from earlier and there’s the duplication editing. You can see that most of the rabbits are just pictures.
Then he finally gets a cat, then a priest, a skeleton with a pumpkin head (which Steve calls scary… you know people are being ironic when they bring up Spoopy Skeletons), then a sheared sheep, and then he stops to bring up that this is a kid’s show ARE YOU SERIOUS? Did you seriously just do the same sheared sheep joke again? Kids are not THIS stupid Chris! They can tell when you repeat material!
Then he puts a censor bar over the sheep. Still not funny.
Slime cubes, a spider, Alex, another rabbit, and a Creeper hiding behind rocks. Prompting Steve to yell “HOW STOOPID”. Another Chris signature, the way he says “how stupid”. What’s wrong with that figure? Creepers hide behind rocks all the ti- oh right, Chris knows nothing about Minecraft.
Then a Creeper puppet appears and blows him up. Video over? Nope…
Then an Enderman figure, which he’s about to call stupid when the Enderman puppet appears again. We just went through this shit…
A zombie behind a door, which Steve claims is stupid (except it’s not it’s one of your best bits of protection at night) and ZS appears just to say “brains”
And finally more self-fellatio as the “coolest figure” is Steve. So glad this is the last Minecraft video.
“Collect them all, except that stupid rabbit”. This prompts the rabbit’s eyes to glow red for a second, and a giant rabbit falls on him. Ugggggh, seriously how are you not tired of this bit Chris?

You ever see excerpts from that Minecraft joke book which tells a whole bunch of non-jokes that even kids would find stupid? That’s what these early videos reminded me of. A lot of non-jokes and cringe.

I do wonder why he didn’t go back to Marty and Muffin since he no longer does Minecraft toys. I mean, Marty & Steve are basically the same character. They’re both dumb as bricks.

Video #7: Sausage Party Trailer Puppet Steve Reaction Video - Minecraft Puppet Steve

And now for something completely different.
Never thought I’d see Chris react to a trailer. But I can see the joke coming a mile away.
He’s going to react to the trailer for Sausage Party, which was new the time the video was released (March 17th 2016, a few days after Sony posted it on YouTube).

“A new computer animated movie like the ones Pixar does” Hoo boy we’re in trouble.
“Just tap a couple buttons here and away we go” We don’t need to see Steve starting up the video, just cut to the trailer.
So he plays the first couple seconds, then it cuts right to the part where the potato gets peeled and reacts in pain. What’s weird is that Chris censored more than needed, in the trailer he screamed “JESUS FUCK! Agh, oh me skin, she’s peeling me fucking skin!”. In Steve’s video it sounds like “JESUS Beep Beep Oh beep beep me beeep beep skin!” You failed at the joke Chris.
Anyway, Steve reacts in horror, and shuts it off after the baby carrots get eaten.
“That is one animated movie that is not for kids!” Duh. Chris, this isn’t the 80’s anymore, just because it’s animated doesn’t mean it’s automatically for kids. We live in the era of The Simpsons, South Park, Adult Swim, violent anime seeing a greater widespread release.
“I don’t think my mom’s going to take me to see that movie?” Your mom? Is Steve supposed to be a kid? Then why does he start his videos with “Hey kids”? I mean, when a show is hosted by kids, they usually say “hey everyone” since their talking to other kids. But if an adult is hosting and talking to kids… agh, there’s no logic!

“There’s so many bad words in this trailer I feel like washing my own mouth out with soap” Ironic coming from the Irate Gamer.
He does recognize the voice… as Master Mantis from Kung-Fu Panda. Really? That’s the reference you’re going for? Surely there’s a different Seth Rogen role you can bring up? *looks* Oh… oh wow, so many of his movies are not kid-friendly. Okay fair enough, but at least say Seth Rogen like you did in the damn description. Say “Seth Rogen, the voice of Master Mantis from Kung-Fu Panda!”
He tells kids not to see it as it’s about sausages (actually they’re just regular hot dogs, the name Sausage Party is a dick joke) and hot dog buns coming to life and realizing people eat them. He calls it stupid. No, the idea is fine. It’s the execution that’s questionable.
He tries to eat a muffin, but it’s actually Muffin from the first three videos. Huh, that’s surprising. And Steve runs away in fear. Haven’t you already met him? In the third video? Logic is dead again…

What was the point of this video? To warn kids not to see the movie? Pretty sure that’s the parent’s job, and I doubt Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network would be running commercials for it.

Video #8: 1upbox March 2016 edition! Minecraft Puppet Steve Reviews

Thought you were safe from boxes on this channel? NOOOOOPE! 1UpBox!
First item is a t-shirt with Batman & Superman fighting and Wonder Woman trying to break it up. Steve tries to wear it and it’s too big. … I can see the joke, but I’m still not laughing.
A Batman & Superman pin, with Steve claiming to be part of “Batman Starfleet”. Head, meet wall…
Super Mario shoelaces, which Steve somehow gets wrapped up in. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
Some post-it notes, which Steve covers himself with…
Halo magnets, which Steve calls “crazy”. … You have a loose definition of that word.
A plushie of Raphael from TMNT, and apparently he also got Michelangelo too. He calls someone a sucker.
And a pin. “Pin-riffic” NO! Fuck off!
He then tells kids to go to the site. Yes, spend your parents money on useless crap like this.
And then Steve collapses from exhaustion. Okay…

Yep, just as dumb as the Box Wars.

You can say “it’s for kids” all you want, but that’s a terrible defense. Kids deserve better than this random garbage. It’s not even well written.

Next time, Steve will look at Lego, amiibo, Zootopia, and more. I’ve got a headache…

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Chris' Lack of Activity Explained: Meet Minecraft Puppet Steve

One of the biggest questions surrounding Chris Bores is "what is he doing instead of making videos"? There will often be long gaps where he doesn't post any meaningful content. Just loads and loads of filler. Hell the last two months has been nothing but boxes, crappy phone apps, and Chinese tech items. I figured he had a job but couldn't figure out what it could be. His ghost hunting stints are usually for the Halloween season (despite what he claims, it's clearly a Halloween attraction and not serious work) and not a full time thing.

Welp, thanks to an e-mail (for their sake, their identity will remain anonymous), I have learned what he has been doing since at least January.

Welcome to the Minecraft Puppet Steve channel.

Where do I begin?
Just watching one video, and it reeks of Chris Bores. Not only is it obviously his voice, but so much of it is the same. The editing, the style of humor, the visual effects, he even uses the same royalty-free music tracks (one video has the song he plays in his 80's videos). The only difference is that he's not Chris Bores or the Irate Gamer, he's a puppet based on the Minecraft player character Steve. Amazing how he looks more like a puppet Chris Bores rather than Steve. Yes I know you can customize your Minecraft skin, but Steve is one of the two defaults (along with Alex).

So does Chris play Minecraft on this channel? NOPE! He talks about toys.
The first couple videos actually don't have Minecraft characters, but rather two different puppets called Marty and Muffin. They talk about Minions Mega Bloks and Gravity Falls figures.
Then Puppet Steve appears and talks about Minecraft toys for four straight videos. Rather, three are about toys, and one is where he insults the Enderman. Including calling him an "evil-hearted booger face". ... Yeaaah I get the feeling this is for like 8 year olds. But even then I would show them way better stuff.

He stops looking at Minecraft stuff at that point, and just does whatever. Starting with a reaction video to the trailer for Sausage Party. Uhhh I thought this was meant to be a channel for kids? I think Steve is meant to be a kid because one line in the video is "My mommy won't let me see this" but honestly it's hard to say.
This channel isn't safe from boxes either, the next video has him looking at 1UpBox. Good lord Chris this is sad.
And hey, did you miss his Skylanders, amiibo and Lego Dimensions videos? (Nooo) Well he's got them on this channel now. One about the latest Skyalnders Happy Meal toys ... seriously? Two about (then) recent Lego Dimensions releases, and one about amiibo. All with the same lack of detail you know Chris for.

But hey, he's not all about Toys-to-Life games, he's also about regular toys. Including Five Nights at Freddy's figures (man, Scott Cawthon must be swimming in money now), Secret Life of Pets, Teen Titans Go (barf) and his most recent video about Ghostbusters. It's probably the closest we're going to get to hearing his thoughts on the new all-female team.

Say, did you miss IG's "CRAZY" reviews? (Noooooooo) Don't worry, they're back on this channel! Well, at least one "CRAZY" movie review. For Zootopia. I don't think Chris paid attention to the movie, or even saw it. He never goes over the deeper issues involving racism and political corruption, instead claiming it's all about "growing up to be whatever you want" while claiming he's in the movie, that everyone dies, and the Enderman is the villain. WHERE'S THE JOKE?!

And I know some of you wanted to see Chris cover Pokemon Go, and he does on this channel! Three videos, though one is a music video made for Minecraft Jams. No idea. The other two make it pretty damn clear Chris knows nothing about Pokemon. There's even a "list joke" where he can catch "Caterpie, Weedle, and Donald Trump" Ugggggh (it was Shellder by the way). You would think Chris would have done this on his bigger channel but apparently that would have been too much work and taken time away from PRECIOUS BOXES.

Right now, Minecraft Puppet Steve has over 8,400 subscribers. Most of them likely came from Minecraft Jams (who have over 367k). Not too horrid having started in January, but something is amiss with the views. Let's look at his most popular video "LEGO Dimensions Slimer Ghostbusters Action Figure Unboxing Review Puppet Steve Minecraft". Fucking word salad title.
It has nearly 300k views, which is shocking considering his small sub count. Even more shocking considering the video only has 416 overall ratings (382 Likes, 34 Dislikes) and only 17 comments. I suspect there's foul play abound with the view counts, making Puppet Steve look more popular than he really is. Something he did before on his SkylanderC channel. Even when trying something new, he has to cheat.

I'll give him one thing, this is original. Unless there's a Minecraft-related puppet show I'm unaware of, this is far more original than Irate Gamer. But that doesn't mean it's good. I understand this is for kids, but kids deserve faaaaar better than this. Some of the stuff he covered on this channel I would rather show to kids. Gravity Falls, Zootopia, Secret Life of Pets, Ghostbusters (the original and the cartoon). Other stuff like the DC Animated Universe, The Lego Movie, Adventure Time, Kamen Rider, Super Sentai, Power Rangers, Yo-kai Watch, Marvel Cinematic Universe (yeah I know not the most kid-friendly, but the merch says otherwise), even Steven Universe as controversial as that is. I've heard good things about The Loud House. There's a ton of other things I would show kids, I would not subject them to this random garbage.

Now, there's one big elephant in the room that needs to be addressed. Why are you hiding this Chris? My source claims Chris is attempting to distance himself from the Irate Gamer name. You're not doing a good job of that Chris.
Why not tell your fans? Surely some of them would like to know what the fuck you're doing these days. They yell at you because you're not making actual content, just shitty box videos and app videos. If you tell them "I'm working on puppet stuff", then they would likely understand you. But no, you're hiding this. Hell, you're hiding the name "Chris Bores". The videos don't end with "Created by Chris Bores", just a "please subscribe" endslate.
If you're no longer doing actual Irate Gamer content just to focus on this, TELL YOUR FANS! Don't jerk them around with "I'm thinking of retiring guys, I might do a Kickstarter maybe I don't know" and "I'm on break, totally on break". I mean, you went on about how you don't have the time and money to do Irate Gamer, and yet you seem to have plenty of time and money to do this puppet show. BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE! Enough with the lies, especially when you can't even keep your story straight.

I am impressed he kept this hidden since January, and I'm sure he's been fearing the day I would learn about it. I'm sure you've got a plan of some kind right Chris?

And I see you posted another video on your IG channel, another god damn box. *looks through* He calls Tetris on Game Boy rare... in case you needed another sign that Bores has no idea what he's talking about. Which by the way is very prevalent in the Puppet Steve videos. Especially in the Five Nights at Freddy's one.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

If You Have Time To Make Multiple Shilling Videos, You Have Time to Make Actual Content!

Chris has been weirdly busy lately. Three videos posted within in the last three days, two of them within the same day. Of course, none of it is actual content, just more paid advertisements for crap nobody wants.

First is a "tech review", and he starts this one by... looking at shoes. Not the first thing I think of when it comes to tech.
They're shoes based on the ones from Back to the Future Part II. Sorry, but unless they can tie themselves like in the movie, they're nothing more than a novelty. Which is an apt description as all these things do is light up. I used to wear light up shoes, when I was 8. Only point of these shoes is to swindle nostalgia-blind morons like Bores. Or if you want to dress up like Marty McFly for Halloween since they come from a site literally called "HalloweenCostumes.com".

Next is a light-up keyboard. Not a piano, a computer keyboard. Good lord is that neon distracting. When are you ever going to type in the dark? If you're good at typing, you don't need to see it.
He calls it "incredible" multiple times. You have a very broad definition of what qualifies as "incredible".

Next is a headset intended for gaming. Which Bores will never use because "fuck video games".
He calls them high-end. *looks up price* $150, which isn't much compared to other high-end headsets (I've seen them go for over $1000).

Another fucking power bank, enough of these!

Another flash drive I don't care

Aaaand a massage pillow. Still don't care, these "tech reviews" are still boring, onto the next video.

Still like boxes? No? Too bad, it's another Box Wars. Again, do his fans really want this? This seems like a waste of time and money. Money that could be used towards his show if it really is a big deal.

Or maybe he's taking a break, because in the description of the Box Wars video he says "I've been taking the summer off from game reviews". Is something wrong Chris? You cried on Facebook about how you were retiring for good and how you were considering crowd-funding to get another season, yet here you are on YouTube saying "I'm only on break herp-a-derp". It's like he sees his Facebook audience and his YouTube audience as two completely different groups. Maybe he still takes his audience as massive idiots that won't know the difference? It's confusing.

Well, at least this is a shorter box video.


Starting on 1Up Box. The theme is Suicide Squad. Good job cashing in on a crappy movie.
- First item is a Funko Pop! figure of... the Scarecrow. Who is not in Suicide Squad. In fact I'm pretty sure that's the Scarecrow from the Rocksteady Arkham games. He shows the other Pop! figures that one could have gotten, but he doesn't bother focusing the camera on it. I think it's Batman, Joker, and Harley-Quinn.
-  A Deadshot air freshener. Chris does not mention it's Deadshot. Then he takes a sniff, and the foghorn sound to indicate it's "stinky" plays. I know you're attempting a joke, but you don't seem to understand that the point of an air freshener is to make thing smell good, not bad. Sooo it's not funny, just idiotic and makes you look dumb.
- A t-shirt that combines Super Mario with Suicide Squad. Mario as the Joker controlling the others like a puppetmaster. Luigi as Deadshot, Peach as Harley, Daisy as Enchantress and I think Bowser is meant to be Killer Croc. You can tell this was made long ago as it implies the Joker actually had a role in the movie outside of glorified cameo.
- A Ghostbusters dog tag that Chris calls a keychain. Oh yeah, I totally remember the Ghostbusters in Suicide Squad. Also, Chris' audio screws up here.
- Finally a poster featuring a cartoon-ish Groot pushing Rocket Raccoon on a swing. Okay that's not even the same company! This was barely a Suicide Squad themed box.

Onto My Geek Box. Super hero items. Yaaaaay...
- A Batman & Superman bottle opener. Yawn...
- A Funko Dorbz figure of Wolverine.
- A t-shirt for Raphael's Pizzeria, oh I'm sorry Rafael's Pizzaria. What a junk shirt, can't even spell things right. It's meant to reference TMNT as there's also of an image of a sai stabbing a slice of pizza. Also the phone number is 11 digits instead of 10. What is this?
- A copy of Civil War II #0 with a variant cover. Laaame.
- And a Goonies mug featuring Sloth.

We've got a new box, Comic Bento. Comics you can eat? Or food items related to comics? Or rather manga since you're using the term "bento".
- Oh, they give graphic novels. Starting with It Came by Dan Boultwood. 
- BubbleGun by Mark Roslan. Had to look it up because Chris doesn't show the damn cover.
- Bacon is a Vegetable, Coffee is a Vitamin. "Which is also a graphic novel" Thanks for reminding me, I totally forgot this was a box of graphic novels.
- And something Voltron related which Chris claims is the coolest because "MUH NOSTALGIA"

Next is ZBOX.
- Starting with a novel based on Arrow (the TV series). Though Chris calls it "The Arrow". Weird.
- A Legend of Zelda t-shirt. I think it's Ocarina of Time based going by the clock.
- A small figure of The Flash.
- A coffee mug shaped like Link's Hylian Shield.
- A figure of Yoshi in Mario Kart. Man, what a boring box...

Apparently Chris got a second My Geek Box, due to a shipping error. Somehow he got the one for next month. Spoilers I guess? If you care.
- A shirt that says GEEK in the same font as Sega's logo.
- A tiny figurine of Gokai Silver, I mean the Super Megaforce Silver Ranger. Ugggh, don't remind me of that fucking season...
- A Bowser figure.
- A copy of Jupiter's Legacy 2 from Image Comics.
- And finally a TMNT mug, which broke in shipping. OH WELL! 
"And that's this month's ZBOX" Wait, I thought this was next month's My Geek Box? *goes back* Oh my god, he just recycled the same sound clip from the last box. I mean wow, he didn't bother to record a new line or even reuse first My Geek Box line. This lack of effort is baffling.

Another new box, Universal Yums. Holy shit that box looked like went through the ringer. Anyway, more snacks.
- Taiwanese Pea Crackers
- Taiwanese Strawberry Cornmeal Snacks
- Some Taiwanese noodles. I can't tell from the package or what Chris is saying (he slurred his words)
- A Green Tea Choco Roll
- Taiwanese Frito Lay's
- A bunch of candy. As well as a booklet that tells you everything, stating that all of the snacks came from Taiwan. You know I think you'd do better if you had an assortment of different countries, not just one.
Apparently Chris has food allergies.

LootCrate time. The theme is the future. As in Chris has none! I know I already made that joke, but it's more obvious with the more of these terrible box videos he puts out.
- A copy of the comic book 4001 AD from Valiant Comics, which Chris waxes nostalgic about as he hasn't heard from them since the 90's during the "Death of Superman". Weird to bring up that storyline... you could have just said the 90's, everyone was reading comics then. The whole spectator boom? Hello?
- A Star Trek: TNG sticker. This one has the Enterprise D's plaque. Weak...
- A Star Trek pin, which Bores barely focuses into the camera because second takes are for pussies.
- A random Mega Man figure. He got a red Mega Man (probably with Fire Man's power)
- A t-shirt featuring the innards of the Dimensional Portal Gun from Rick & Morty. What an esoteric aspect to reference, which would actually be in line with Dan Harmon's bizarre thinking. Also Bores just refers to it as the "machinery" from the show. Clear sign he doesn't watch it?
- And "the coolest item" is a mini-statue of the Planet Express ship from Futurama. Yawn...

Then he takes a look at one of the LootCrate off-shoots, LVL UP. Which apparently has "mystery apparel"?
- He got a hoodie with the cast of Futurama on it. Really? I can't even tell what's on that. It looks like a bunch of bumps or stains. What kind of shitty hoodie is this?
And in a shocking bit of self-awareness, Chris doesn't like the LVL UP add-on and says you can go to any store and get a similar shirt. *clap clap clap* You almost have it, now you just have stop making videos about these junk boxes.

Onto BAM Box, thankfully no annoying jump cuts and yelling.
- He got a pin or something, I can't tell the camera won't focus.
- A Yoda bookend. Why?
- Mars Space Sand, which goes into water to bleed or something? It's clear he edited in that part about the water much later.
- A piece of a uniform from Alien. I doubt that's authentic, that movie is 37 years old, if the suits still exist they're not going to cut them and hand them out.
- Star Trek: TNG pins.
- A signed print of Green Lantern staring down Sinestro. Bores continues to claim he loves Green Lantern 
- And a signed Green Lantern comic. Maan that's old, Superman has his black chest insignia and that's the DC logo that was phased out in 2005. But I guess you get what you pay for ($37.98 for one month). "I'm so excited" You sure sound it.

Finally ending on Lootaku, which he still can't pronounce.
- Starting on a hat featuring Goku's symbol from DBZ. Bores only calls it a Dragon Ball hat even though the English DBZ logo is on the back of it. Smooooth.
- A mini figure of Super Saiyan Goku
- A coffee mug with SS Goku
- A random Shonen Jump figure (which he calls the "Shonen Jump Comics" uggggh). He wants someone from Dragon Ball but got someone from Naruto (which he pronounces Na-ROO-to instead of NAR-u-to). To be fair, he did get Sasuke, and Sasuke is a tool.
- A figure of Gotenks, I doubt Bores got that far in the series
- And a Dragon Ball keychain.

Onto the "awards"
Best shirt goes to the horribly spelled Rafael's Pizzaria
Fourth best item was the Dragon Ball keychain
Third best was the Hylian Shield mug
Second best was the signed Green Lantern items
And the best was the Planet Express mini statue.
Fourth best box was My Geek Box  (the first one)
Third best was LootCrate
Second best was ZBOX
Best was BAM Box

Well, at least he didn't go overboard with the editing and stupid jokes. It's like he started out doing that, but then gave up when he realized "nobody is laughing". 
And hey, he didn't sign off with "Game On". There's an improvement.

And finally the third video... is another shitty app. I did notice that in all three videos (and the Wisdom Tree Kickstarter), he's wearing the same Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare shirt. So that tells me he shot all these videos in like one afternoon. Chris, if you have time to film four videos in one sitting, then you have time to provide real content. Especially when three of the videos are edited.
Seriously, what's with that "I'm only on break" comment? You can't keep your story straight and that's why nobody trusts you.